New Zealand Society of Esoterica

yeah here's poetry each one will be its own reply

content warnings for topics discussed: grief, suicide, self loathing.

a real laundry list to be honest

i have been embarassed before
it happens when you play a fool
you're allowed to laugh together
look at the silly and goofy self

look at me

no guilt with laughter
no shame with power
no humiliation with
control

you can control who looks at you
the version of yourself they see
viewing your reflection in their eyes
thats how you percieve yourself

without your power they WATCH
they stand by and SPECTATE as a cockroach makes me squeal
VOYUERS snicker as i miss the bus
locking keys in car. laughed at not with
"sorry i shouldnt laugh"

powerless as their PERCEPTION warps beyond my carefully catered garden

at not with

my chest aches
sporadic singeing sharp
when i laugh or embrace
it doesnt want to hurt

it subsides on a press
a short fleeting quick moment
if only i had more resilient breasts
then the pain would wait

my heart adores me
caring ruminating loving
again when i laugh or embrace
it wants to love

so vastly different
yet they are the same
i need to remember that.
its my fault

beautiful sunny day

a customer comes in as usual, we exchange pleasantries as usual, he needs help as usual.

we make conversation

he explains something about magnets. i show some products. he makes some joke

"those plastic palettes"

he asks me if theyre free. i ask my boss if they are. he asks me if its gonna rain

i offer help

turns out he didnt drive. turns out hes 3 blocks away. turns out i still agreed.

"are you sure"

yeah of course i lied, my boss questions me, its for a friend i lied. i thought "i want to help him" i lied.

"heres the address"

i punch in the directions on my phone when it settles in. i see its a half mile walk when it settles in. the destination is an insurance company then it settles in.

whyd i agree?

its confusing that i want the work day to be over quicker so i can bring him the palettes. its confusing when i remembered i still need to text another customer about a business card. its confusing why im doing these both off paid hours.

theyre really heavy

i cant hold them with just one arm. i cant hold them without getting rainwater on me. i cant hold them without sweating.

whyd i agree?

its good excersise. then a bike goes past. its a truly good thing. then an ambulance goes past. its because i am a kind person. then a thought goes past.

i just want to fucking go home he could have fucking taken it himself im already doing a kindness by giving them to him for free why does he exploit my good nature he works at an insurance company he's evil and walking for 20 minutes unpaid isn't in my job description

whyd i agree?

a baby screams behind me. it doesnt stop. im trying to cross the road and meet the eyes of every driver. they dont stop. my feet are hurting. i dont stop.

everyone is welcome

a pride sticker on the front greets me. the receptionist greets me. then the customer greets me.

for worm food

he explains composting. he explains his daughters science project. he explains his gratitude

thats whyd i

i turned around to go back. i need to drive home and my moped is back at work.

but the suns in my eyes.

privileged. lucky. ungrateful.
attractive but you haven't faced strife
never been impoverished. You've had a wealth of fortune.
you are wasting your life. you are wasting your good life.
i hate it i hate you. you should smile
unempathetic. i envy you
judging me but you haven't walked a mile
i regret the comforting i gave you
undeserving unloving unknowing
you don't understand how good you have it
this hatred, continually growing
your fault.
fuck you

we were similar. we both liked looking at the library.

we would both dream about all the books we could read and stare into the catalog absentmindedly. that was our favourite activity.

we didnt often read many books. the ones we did were those we would read together. but eventually that novelty wore off.

one day we did something else. we got high. we skated. we talked. we forgot all about the books and our growing reading list. we had actual fun.

we did that for a while and it was so much fun. i hated the library so much.

he stopped going to the library. or anywhere really.

getting high and skating isnt as fun alone so i went back to the library

i bought more books

 

you were suicidal too

greedy to kill myself alone
you didn't get to choose

you don't get to laugh
not allowed to play the fun new games

youre locked out
i show my phone to the window

i hope you don't look long
im wasting the warmth inside

maybe we could look together
and watch someone enjoy what they have

two magnets with their ends lined up.
inseperable
two can hold more than one

their arms grow weak and they drop
this disturbance setting them apart

the push is strong
both unable to return

disillusioned with priorities they pick up the pieces
as best they can with their weak arms
weak weak arms

their eyes.
what for?
who for?
contorting and twisting to look at each other
their eyes attracted

eyes dont meet but they,
know


an agreed handshake full of shame
just drop what you carry
each magnet pridefully afraid their hand won't be matched

just get through the push

only just a handshake
only just a handshake?
only just a handshake.

the stronger magnet flips
their arm outstretched

back to normal

isnt it easier to carry weight together

ill take a picture from the top of a bridge thatll show them

-but will you kill yourself?

eventually yes but i want to see their reactions

-you care about them?

of course not i just take pleasure in their misery

-do you take pleasure in the misery of strangers?

well no they have no reason to suffer

-and your friends do?

yeah

-do you care about strangers?

not really? i guess a normal amount

-and you don't care about your friends?

not one bit

-then why aren't they treated like strangers?

because i don't care about them more

less a party - more a series of memories to keep
despite its darkness - the night far too young to leave

it stole him - right in front of our eyes
a quiet falls - forlorn, we remain inside

the party resumes - with only his absence
people somehow laugh - but bereft of his smile's presence

it's louder now - and i can hear him barely
outside is calmer - a temptation to go early

cold wind blows - i know he's waiting there
i peer out - searching for a sign somewhere

it beckons me - the soul soothing silence
they beckon me - the loud loving liars

at the threshold - caught atop the railing

i scream out - hoping for his guidance
but im waiting - remaining only with 




i hope he can be patient